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Showing posts with label FUNNY JOKES AND SMS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FUNNY JOKES AND SMS. Show all posts

Thursday, March 5, 2009

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS - funny joke

>>>>>>>>>>>> WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS <<<<<<<<<<<<

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,

so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.


However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and
friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read

-----------------------------------------------------------

To: My Loving Wife,

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 16 March 2008,

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They give
computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Love,

Your Hubby.

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ME and MY BOSS

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough

When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy,

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers,

When I do wrong, he never forgets

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Amazing facts about software professionals

**10% of Software Professionals are predicted to be affected by major
diseases like Carpal tunnel syndrome, heart diseases etc

*20% of Software Professionals marry their co-workers

*30% of Software Professionals are interested in Live in relationship
because they tend to hate the responsibility both in office and house

*40% of Software Professionals are confused about settling down (India or
abroad)

*50% of Software Professionals has No savings in their Bank Account

*60% of Software Professionals are not satisfied with their current wages

*70% of Software Professionals work more than 8 hours across globe

*80% of Software Professionals live away from their Parents

*90% of Software Professionals are NOT HAPPY about their Life, meeting
deadlines, client satisfaction, incentives, promotions, increment, onsite
trips, wife, children, visa status, and commitments

*100% of Software professionals wish they had a choice other than computers
in their life at least once in their lifetime

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Ego

There was once a learned scientist. After a lot of practice and efforts, he developed a formula and learned the art of reproducing himself. He did it so perfectly that it was impossible to tell the reproduction from the original.


One day while doing his research, he realized that the Angel of Death was searching for him. In order to remain immortal he reproduced a dozen copies of himself. The reproduction was so meticulous that all of them looked exactly like him. Now when this Angel of Death came down, he was at a loss to know which of the thirteen before him was the original scientist, and confused, he left them all alone and returned back to heaven. But, not for long, for being an expert in human nature, the Angel came up with a clever idea.

He said to the scientist addressing all thirteen of them, "Sir, you must be a genius to have succeeded in making such perfect reproduction formula of yourself. However, I have discovered a flaw in your work, just one tiny little flaw." The scientist immediately jumped out and shouted, "Impossible! where is the flaw?" "Right here" said the Angel, as he picked up the scientist from among the reproductions and carried him off. The whole purpose of the scientist and his formula of reproduction failed as he could not control his pride and lost his life.


So while one's Knowledge and Skills takes one to the top of the ladder and makes one successful, however the three letter word "EGO" can pull one down immediately. Let go one's Ego.

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Short Life Story Of Sri Ramakrishna

Sri Ramakrishna was born on 18 February 1836 in the village of Kamarpukur about sixty miles northwest of Kolkata. His parents, Kshudiram Chattopadhyaya and Chandramani Devi, were poor but very pious and virtuous. As a child, Ramakrishna (his childhood name was Gadadhar) was dearly loved by the villagers. From early days, he was disinclined towards formal education and worldly affairs. He was, however, a talented boy, and could sing and paint well. He was fond of serving holy men and listening to their discourses. He was also very often found to be absorbed in spiritual moods. At the age of six, he experienced the first ecstasy while watching a flight of white cranes moving against the background of black clouds. This tendency to enter into ecstasy intensified with age. His father's death when he was seven years old served only to deepen his introspection and increase his detachment from the world.

As a Priest at Dakshineswar Temple


When Sri Ramakrishna was sixteen, his brother Ramkumar took him to Kolkata to assist him in his priestly profession. In 1855 the Kali Temple at Dakshineswar built by Rani Rasmani was consecrated and Ramkumar became the chief priest in that temple. When he died a few months later, Ramakrishna was appointed the priest. Ramakrishna developed intense devotion to Mother Kali and spent hours in loving adoration of her image, forgetting the rituals of priestly duties. His intense longing culminated in the vision of Mother Kali as boundless effulgence engulfing everything around him.

Intense Spiritual Practices


Sri Ramakrishna' s God-intoxicated state alarmed his relatives in Kamarpukur and they got him married to Saradamani, a girl from the neighbouring village of Jayrambati. Unaffected by the marriage, Sri Ramakrishna plunged into even more intense spiritual practices. Impelled by a strong inner urge to experience different aspects of God he followed, with the help of a series of Gurus, the various paths described in the Hindu scriptures, and realized God through each of them. The first teacher to appear at Dakshineswar (in 1861) was a remarkable woman known as Bhairavi Brahmani who was an advanced spiritual adept, well versed in scriptures. With her help Sri Ramakrishna practised various difficult disciplines of the Tantrik path, and attained success in all of them. Three years later came a wandering monk by name Totapuri, under whose guidance Sri Ramakrishna attained Nirvikalpa Samadhi, the highest spiritual experience mentioned in the Hindu
scriptures. He remained in that state of non-dual existence for six months without the least awareness of even his own body. In this way, Sri Ramakrishna relived the entire range of spiritual experiences of more than three thousand years of Hindu religion.

Following Other Faiths


With his unquenchable thirst for God, Sri Ramakrishna broke the frontiers of Hinduism, glided through the paths of Islam and Christianity, and attained the highest realization through each of them in a short span of time. He looked upon Jesus and Buddha as incarnations of God, and venerated the ten Sikh Gurus. He expressed the quintessence of his twelve-year- long spiritual realizations in a simple dictum: Yato mat, tato path As many faiths, so many paths. He now habitually lived in an exalted state of consciousness in which he saw God in all beings.

Worshipping His Wife


In 1872, his wife Sarada, now nineteen years old, came from the village to meet him. He received her cordially, and taught her how to attend to household duties and at the same time lead an intensely spiritual life. One night he worshipped her as the Divine Mother in his room at the Dakshineswar temple. Although Sarada continued to stay with him, they lived immaculately pure lives, and their marital relationship was purely spiritual. It should be mentioned here that Sri Ramakrishna had been ordained a Sannyasin (Hindu monk), and he observed the basic vows of a monk to perfection. But outwardly he lived like a lay man, humble, loving and with childlike simplicity. During Sri Ramakrishna' s stay at Dakshineswar, Rani Rasmani first acted as his patron. After her death, her son-in-law Mathur Nath Biswas took care of his needs.

Contact with Some Notables


Sri Ramakrishna' s name as an illumined saint began to spread. Mathur once convened an assembly of scholars, and they declared him to be not an ordinary human being but the Avatar of the Modern Age. In those days the socio-religious movement known as Brahmo Samaj, founded by Raja Ram Mohan Roy, was at the height of popularity in Bengal. Sri Ramakrishna came into contact with several leaders and members of Brahmo Samaj and exerted much influence on them. His teaching on harmony of religions attracted people belonging to different denominations, and Dakshineswar became a veritable Parliament of Religions.

Coming of the Devotees



As bees swarm around a fully blossomed flower, devotees now started coming to Sri Ramakrishna. He divided them into two categories. The first one consisted of householders. He taught them how to realize God while living in the world and discharging their family duties. The other more important category was a band of educated youths, mostly from the middle class families of Bengal, whom he trained to become monks and to be the torchbearers of his message to mankind. The foremost among them was Narendranath, who years later, as Swami Vivekananda, carried the universal message of Vedanta to different parts of the world, revitalized Hinduism, and awakened the soul of India.

The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna


Sri Ramakrishna did not write any book, nor did he deliver public lectures. Instead, he chose to speak in a simple language using parables and metaphors by way of illustration, drawn from the observation of nature and ordinary things of daily use. His conversations were charming and attracted the cultural elite of Bengal. These conversations were noted down by his disciple Mahendranath Gupta who published them in the form of a book, Sri Sri Ramakrishna Kathamrita in Bengali. Its English rendering, The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna, was released in 1942; it continues to be increasingly popular to this day on account of its universal appeal and relevance.

Last Days


The intensity of his spiritual life and untiring spiritual ministration to the endless stream of seekers told on Sri Ramakrishna' s health. He developed cancer of the throat in 1885. He was shifted to a spacious suburban villa where his young disciples nursed him day and night. He instilled in them love for one another, and thus laid the foundation for the future monastic brotherhood known as Ramakrishna Math. In the small hours of 16 August 1886 Sri Ramakrishna gave up his physical body, uttering the name of the Divine Mother, and passed into Eternity.

Beginnings of a Monastic Order


Sri Ramakrishna instilled in these young men the spirit of renunciation and brotherly love for one another. One day he distributed ochre robes among them and sent them out to beg food. In this way he himself laid the foundation for a new monastic order. He gave specific instructions to Narendra about the formation of the new monastic Order. In the small hours of 16 August 1886 Sri Ramakrishna gave up his mortal body.
After the Master’s passing, fifteen of his young disciples (one more joined them later) began to live together in a dilapidated building at Baranagar in North Kolkata. Under the leadership of Narendra, they formed a new monastic brotherhood, and in 1887 they took the formal vows of sannyasa, thereby assuming new names. Narendra now became Swami Vivekananda (although this name was actually assumed much later.)



Prayer

Namoh Raamakrishna, Raamakrishna, Krishnaraama chandraaya
(Salutations to Raamakrishna, Krishna and Raama together)

Namoh Krishnaraama chandraaya namoh Raamakrishna devaaya
(Salutations to Krishna Raama , Salutations to Lord Raamakrishna)

Namo juga abataara namoh, swarba debo debaaya.
(Salutations to the avatar of this age, to all the gods)

Namoh Sarba dharma samanayo, sarba vaabo rakshayao.
(Salutations to the unifier of all faiths, purveyor of all realizations. )

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One lakh Indians will return from U.S. in next 3-5 years

Washington: As many as 100,000 Indians and an equal number of Chinese will return to their native countries in the next three to five years, a move that will greatly boost their economies and undermine technological innovation in America, a new U.S. study warns.

The study on immigration by a team at Duke, Harvard and Berkeley universities led by Vivek Wadhwa, an Indian-American technology entrepreneur turned academic, says "America's loss is the world's gain".

There are no hard numbers available on how many have returned, but anecdotal evidence shows that this is in the tens of thousands, says Wadhwa, executive-in-residence for the Pratt School of Engineering at Duke University and fellow at the Labour and Worklife Programme at Harvard Law School.

"With the economic downturn, my guess is that we'll have over 100,000 Indians and as many Chinese return home over the next three-five years," says Wadhwa. "This flood of western educated and skilled talent will greatly boost the economies of India and China and strengthen their competitiveness.

"India is already becoming a global hub for R&D. This will allow it to branch into many new areas and will accelerate the trend," he says.

"The US has always had the luxury of being arrogant about immigration because it has been the strongest magnet for the world's best and brightest," but as the study shows "there are other strong magnets now".

"We are effectively exporting our economic stimulus. Policies like those which the US just enacted which prevents some banks from hiring foreign workers will have the opposite effect from what they intended - they will send jobs abroad and scare away top talent," Wadhwa said.

The study released Monday Ewing Marion Kauffman Foundation, based in Kansas City, Montana, indicates placing limits on foreign workers in the US is not the answer to America's rising unemployment rate and may undermine efforts to spur technological innovation.

"A substantial number of highly skilled immigrants have started returning to their home countries in recent years, draining a key source of brain power and innovation," said Robert E. Litan, vice president of Research and Policy at the Kauffman Foundation.

"We wanted to know what is encouraging this much-needed economic growth engine to leave our country, thereby sending entrepreneurship and economic stimulus to places like Bangalore and Beijing."

The report builds on an earlier Kauffman Foundation report by Wadhwa documenting a queue of one million H-1B holders and their families anxiously awaiting longer-term work visas and growing frustrated with the immigration process.

Until recently, America has been the prime destination for the world's best and brightest immigrants.

"Immigrants have made tremendous personal sacrifices," said Wadhwa. "They would leave behind relatives and friends and accept second-tier status in American society.


"Now countries like India and China are providing equal career opportunities and a better quality of life. So the most highly educated and skilled are often returning home."

The two-year study covered 1,203 Indian and C

hinese subjects who had studied or worked in the US for a year or more before returning home.

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Balance Sheet of Life

Our Birth is our Opening Balance!

Our Death is our Closing Balance!

Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities

Our Creative Ideas are our Assets

Heart is our Current Asset

Soul is our Fixed Asset

Brain is our Fixed Deposit

Thinking is our Current Account

Achievements are our Capital

Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade

Friends are our General Reserves

Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill

Patience is our Interest Earned

Love is our Dividend

Children are our Bonus Issues

Education is Brands / Patents

Knowledge is our Investment

Experience is our Premium Account

The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.

The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.

Some very Good and Very bad things ..

The most destructive habit....... ........ .....Worry

The greatest Joy......... ......... ......... ...Giving

The greatest loss.......Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work........ ......Helping others

The ugliest personality trait....... .....Selfishness

The most endangered species..... ....Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource.... ......... ...Our youth

The greatest 'shot in the arm'........ .Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome.... ........ ...Fear

The most effective sleeping pill....... Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease..... .......Excuses

The most powerful force in life........ .......... Love

The most dangerous act...... ..A gossip

The world's most incredible computer.... ....The brain

The worst thing to be without..... ......... ..... Hope

The deadliest weapon...... ........ ........The tongue

The two most power-filled words....... ........ 'I Can'

The greatest asset....... .......... ........ ....Faith

The most worthless emotion.... ......... ....Self- pity

The most beautiful attire...... ......... ........SMILE!

The most prized possession.. ........ .....Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication. ..Prayer

The most contagious spirit...... ......... ......Enthusiasm

Life ends; when
you stop Dreaming,

Hope ends; when
you stop Believing,

Love ends; when
you stop Caring,

And Friendship ends; when
you stop Sharing...!!!
friend

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Friday, December 12, 2008

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:-

Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-

Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..



2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-

No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.



3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-

Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-

Why? Would it rather have been you?



4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-

Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-

No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.



5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:-

Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-

Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.



6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:-

Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:-

No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.



7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-

No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.



8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:-

Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-

No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..





9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:-

Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-

No it wont. It will just bleed.



10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

Stupid Question:-

Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-

Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

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Thursday, March 27, 2008

How Girlz rate Guyz? (humOr)

Girls' relationship with guys is a bigger mystery than girls
themselves.

It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that
gals have.

Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are confused why the
frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer? Or why she always
hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white
shoes? Here's a ready reckoner for you:

********

% just a friend %

Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever
I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she
might say, "Oh Rahul, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??"

Rahul: "Where are you going Shilpa??"

Shilpa: "None of your business" and bangs the phone.(Useless
fellow.Hmmph! ).

********

% Good Friend %

You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that. But I
try using you when I really need you.

Rahul calls: "Hi Shilpa",

Shilpa: "Hi Rahul. I am going out with family I will call you back.
Bye"

(Shilpa calls back after two days)

Shilpa: "What do you want Rahul? Why did you call that day?".

Rahul: "Generally".

Shilpa: "Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye."

Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.

********

% Very good friend %

Well you are like the pressure cooker safety value for the girl.

She will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on
someone.

Basically, she wants to talk to you. And you are special to her.

Shilpa: "You know Rahul, Shekhar is not eating. He doesn't sleep and
is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn't like me
anymore. And yesterday I saw him with another girl".

Rahul: "Who is Shekhar??"

Shilpa : "My boyfriend."

Rahul: Oh! Ok. :-(

********

% Best Friend %

You are like the auto rickshaw driver. She can't live without you.

And don't be mistaken. You are not her boyfriend. But you are allowed
to take her little doggie around the park so that he (not you!) can
have fun.

Rahul Shopping. Rahul Movie. Rahul Coffee. Rahul,you pay. I am having
fun.

Rahul is now sure that he should go ahead and propose. He dares.

Shilpa: "But I thought we were just friends. We should remain friends

Rahul. Plus, I have a boy friend you know that."

Rahul: What?? (Rahul drinks all night).

********

% Best of the Bestest Friends %

Ok now you are really special.

You are dad-cum-boyfriend- cum-brother- cum-everything.

Ultimately you are the darling servant of the girl.

You take her around.

You make her project.

You do her assignments.

You are allowed to take her doggie around.

You can hold hands on the beach.

You can see the sun set with her (because she wants to do everything
she drags you along).

But but but... Don't be mistaken. She has a boyfriend who works for a
huge software company and earns 3 times the salary you earn and has a
flat in PoesGardenor Boat Club or Hiranandani area.

Shilpa: "Hi Rahul. I am getting engaged to Shekhar. Shekhar this is
Rahul, he is my bestest friend".

Rahul: Hi Shekhar . (Hand shake. Shekhar breaks Rahul's wrist).

Rahul is now heart broken and wrist broken.

********

% Boyfriend %

Uh... No comments dude. You're already Gone!

********


Now ~ where you stand?

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(aNiceStory) I think you are wonderful..!!

The following story captured our heart. It happened several years ago in the Paris opera house. A famous singer had been contracted to sing, and ticket sales werebooming. In fact, the night of the concert found the house packed and every ticket sold.

The feeling of anticipation and excitement was in the air as the house manager took the stage and said, Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your enthusiastic support. I am afraid that due to illness, the man whom you've all come to hear will not be performing tonight. However, we have found a suitable substitute we hope will provide you with comparable entertainment. The crowd groaned in disappointmentand failed to hear the announcer mention the stand-in's name. The environment turned from excitement to frustration.

The stand-in performer gave the performance everything he had. When he had finished,there was nothing but an uncomfortable silence. No one applauded. Suddenly, from the balcony, a little boy stood up and shouted, Daddy, I think you are wonderful! The crowd broke into thunderous applause.

We all need people in our Lives who are willing to stand up once in a while and say, I think you are wonderful.

And at times others are expecting this from you.
Are you telling them how wonderful you are . . .??

Say it now & make someone's day more pleasant..!!

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On marraige

Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ........ whether
you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
******************************

******
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As
Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he
realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was
in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second
opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is
so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man
decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife
is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall
we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's
lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father
of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V)
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next
morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The
paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have
created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before
the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT

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Self Appraisal

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.

Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks,

Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!"

This is what we call "Self Appraisal"

Highly Recommended.....

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Modern maths

Modern Maths

Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,

Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

if, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work

In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work (Eqn 1)

******************************

************************
Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money (Eqn 2)

If Men - earn money = Donkeys

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Donkeys (Eqn 3)

******************************************************
Equation 3

Women = eat + sleep + spend

Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend (Eqn 4)

If, Women - spend = Donkeys

In other words,

Women that don't spend = Donkeys (Eqn 5)

******************************************************
To Conclude:

From Eqn 3 and Eqn 5
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend

So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)

Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

From Eqn 2 + Eqn 4, we have
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend
From Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys

And the Donkeys live happily ever after!

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Monday, February 25, 2008

This is Software Life!!!!!!!! - just for fun

1. He/She never bargains… No wonder things have become so costly!
2. When a cab/bus passes by and you see all the commuters in it are sleeping like they haven't slept for years…
3. Dilbert or Calvin is their favorite cartoon…
4. Words like issues, tracker, raising requests, buzz/ping, compile, delete [unlike erase or rub it off], onsite [n not abroad is what 'foreign land' is called] are the ones that would be used by 'default'…
5. Weekends are holy words… they are like a salvation one seeks for…
6. "Wazzzup", "Hows life?", are few obvious questions one will be greeted with which would be immediately followed by "how's work?"
7. Salaries, work etc are always better or in good shape in other companies than the one he/she is currently in…
8. They don't send or take things… they always forward them!
9. Drinking coffee is the most pleasurable thing they think they do in the entire day…
10. They seek a search engine in just almost everything they do… When I forget where I have kept my things at home the first thing that comes to my mind is "I wish there was a Google search for my room" J
11. Mondays are always blue…
12. All of them will have a dream to do something in life and that something would never be what they are doing right now…

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Good jokes

Plan for the Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ahmed : I want 2 b a pilot.
James : I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Dileep : I want 2 help Deepa .
==============================

=============================================================
Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom
=============================================================
Delivered:

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".

=============================================================
The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!

Sardar enters shop & shouts, "Where's my free gift
with this oil?" Shopkeeper: "ISke Saath koi gift
nahin hai bhaisaab" Sard : "Oye ispe likha hai
CHOLESTROL FREE!!"
______________________________________________________

ONE FINE DAY A GIRL PROPOSED TO A SARDAR AND
SARDAR DENIED SIMPLY SAYING THAT IN OUR FAMILY, WE
MARRY ONLY OUR RELATIVES..

MY MOM MARRIED MY DAD, MY BROTHER MARRIED MY
BHABHI, MY UNCLE MARRIED MY AUNT AND SO ON. SO
PLEASE EXCUSE ME !!!!!
______________________________________________________

Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers
took some sandwiches out of their pockets and
started to eat them. "You can't eat your own
sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner. So
the two sardars swapped (exchanged) their
sandwiches..
______________________________________________________
A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective
novels, but he always started reading from the
middle. A friend of his asked why he did so?"
It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "TO start
from the middle keeps one curious not only about its
conclusion but also about its beginning.
______________________________________________________
Once a Sardarji was going to his office. On the
way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt.
Next day , on his way to the office, he noticed a
banana peel and Later after two days, he noticed
two banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala, aaj to
choice hai"!!!!!!
______________________________________________________
A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the
pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were
in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly
soul must answer two questions: 1. Name two days
of the week that begin with "T". 2. How many
seconds are there in a year? The Sardar thought
for a few minutes and answered... 1. The two days
of the week that begin with "T" are Today and
Tomorrow. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and
Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I
expected, so your answ er is correct. But how did you
get only 12 seconds in a year?" The Sardar
replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March
2nd, etc...." Saint Peter lets him in without
another word
_________________________________________________________
A Sardar, his wife with son and daugher went to a
party he introduced his family to his friends
saying..." I am Sardar.. and this is Sardarnee
...this is my kid and that is my kidney...!!"
_________________________________________________________
American says "US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."
Sardarji " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti
hai...!!!"
_________________________________________________________
Q. What do you call a fat lady waiting for a bus?

A. Moti-vating..!!!
_________________________________________________________
Nurse - "Mubarak ho.. Sardarji.. aap papa ban
gaye.." Sardarji - " Meri wife ko nahi bolna..
main use surprise doonga..!"
_________________________________________________________
Dr Chopra psychotherapist wanted 'Sign board' to be
pained in front of his clinic but our Sardar painter
painted "Dr Chorpa Psycho The Rapist"
________________________________________________________
What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE
......... Ek bigadti hai to bandh ho jati
hai...... Doosari bigadati hai to "SHUROO' ho jati
hai
________________________________________________________
Ek sardar apne bete se bola : Bev akuf, kaisa machis
leke aaya hai, ek bhi tili nahin jalti.

Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tili test
karke laya hu.
________________________________________________________
Man runs home yelling "Pack your bags honey. I just
won the 10 Million lotto. Wife : Do I pack for the
beach or mountains ? Man : Who cares ? Just pack
and get lost !
________________________________________________________
Doctor to Sardaar : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood
group ek hi hai? Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25
saalse mera khoon jo pee rahi hai....
________________________________________________________
Koun si devi ka kounsa prasad India mein famous hai

Rabridevi ka laloo prasad
________________________________________________________
A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab
today.......

Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are
still.....digging for more.
________________________________________________________
Sardar found answer to most difficult question
ever What comes first - the chicken or
the egg ?

Oye yaar, jiska order pahele dooge, wo ayega !!!

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How to kill a lion? (just for fun)

TO KILL A LION COMPANIES FOLLOWS METHOD



Nucleus Software Method:

Hire a Lion, and give him salary of a RAT.
Give him work on all Technology except for which he was hired.
No work on week days and Call him on Sat-Sun with out Overtime/ Comp-Off,
and tell him to stay late w/o work to show this onsite team. .
Lion will suicide in frustration.



Keane Method:



Hire a lion....

Place him in "QRU"(Bench) for 1 year

Tell him to change his technology from ASP.NET <http://asp.net/> to JAVA or Powerbuilder



Lion dies in confusion he is Cat or lion......




Cognizant Method:

hire a lion... ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.

give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.

hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit

give them same gobi 65 to eat

hire 200 more....... and more ........



TCS method:



hire a lion

give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary

lion dies of hunger and frustration





IBM's method:



hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour ....

he dies of unemployment. ..



Syntel Method:-



Hire a Cat ....

assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and

make sure that he never reaches onsite.

Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....



MBT method:



hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.

lion dies of the strain?



i-Flex method:



hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari

for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes

alive he will get band movement (promotion)

holy cow dies in fear of the real lion



COSL Method:



hire a lion ..

tell him to merge with Goats (polaris) and reduce his allowance...

lion dies from fear that tommorrow he might become a goat....



Polaris Method :



hire ...sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ..

change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ....change it to 8:30 AM )

cut down his allowance (coupons etc)

lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....





Patni method:



hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...

the lion dies before joining....





Wipro Method:

Hire a Lion,

give him a mail Id.

he will die recieving stupid mails all day........! !!!



Accenture Method:



Hire a lion....

Send him to chennai

Ask him to stay on bench for a long time

Ask him to eat idli,Dosa and Vada

No hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...

No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls

And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".

Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......



HUAWEI Method:



Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...

Give him work of 3 Lions

Tell him to work late and even on weekends...

No time for food and family, automatically die





INFOSYS METHOD:

HIRE A LION.....

SEND HIM FOR TRAINING IN MYSORE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE

............ .......... ......... ............ ......... KING OF THE JUNGLE! :-)

MAKE HIM TAKE GENERIC COMPREE EXAM

..............................

.............LION TURNS INTO CAT

MAKE HIM TAKE STREAM COMPREE EXAM

............... .......... ........ ............ ......CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE

SEND HIM INTO PRODUCTION WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WID HE LEARNED IN TRNG

..........................................MOUSE RUNS HERE AND THERE FOR HELP!!!

SEND HIM MAILS TELLING ABOUT MANDATORY CERTIFICATIONS

............ .......... ......... ............ ......MOUSE COMMITS SUICIDE ... :-):-)

THE LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST

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Sunday, September 16, 2007

NEWTONS LAWS IN A FUNNY WAY

NEWTON IN ROMANTIC MOOD........ .....

U
niversal L aw O f L ove:


" Love Can Neither Be Created Nor Be Destroyed;

Only It Can Transfer From

One Girlfriend To Another Girlfriend With

Some Loss Of Money "


F irst L aw O f L ove:

" A Boy In Love With A Girl, Continue To Be

In Love With Her And A Girl


In Love With A Boy, Continue To Be In Love With

Him, Until Or Unless


Any External Agent(Brother Or Father Of The Gal)

Comes Into Play And


Break The Legs Of The Boy. "





S econd L aw O f L ove:

" The Rate Of Change Of Intensity Of Love Of A Girl

Towards A Boy Is

Directly Proportional To The Instantaneous Bank

Balance Of The Boy And

The Direction Of This Love Is Same To As

Increment Or Decrement Of The

Bank Balance. "


T hird L aw O f L ove:

" The Force Applied While Proposing A Girl By A

Boy Is Equal And Opposite

To The Force Applied By The Girl While Slapping."

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

FUNNIEST JOKES ON TELUGU RYMES, SARDARJI, POLITICAL

Telugu version of English Rhymes

 
ENGLISH - TELUGU

Johny Johny,yes papa, >>>> Johnyga johnyga, endi naina
eating sugar no papa >>>> shakkar tintunava, ledu naina
telling lies no papa >>>> Joota cheptunav le, ledu naina
Open your mouth >>>> Jaranta nor teruv
hahahaha >>>> tersina choosko naina hahaahahah

Twinkle Twinke little star >>>> Merishe merishe oo chinna chukka
how I wonder what you are >>>> Naku samaj aitale neev endo
up above the world so high >>>> Bhoomi kelli anta paina
like a diamond in the sky >>>> akashamla vajram leka unav le

Jack and Jill went up a hill >>>> Jacku gadu Jillu gadu konda meediki poinru
to fetch a pail of water >>>> Kundala neelu teenike
Jack fell down and broke his crown >>>> Jack gadu kindavadi bokal suram param cheskundu
And Jill came tumbling after. >>>> jillu gadu guda vani enakala vadi dorlukunta ochindu

Ringa Ringa roses >>>> Gol Gol tirige Gulab poolu
Pcoket full of posses >>>> Jeb ninda posslu
Asha Busha all fall down >>>> Arre!!!! andar kinda vaddar le

 

POLICALLY CORRECT JOKES

 

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
"I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
============ ========= ========= ========= =====
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in
America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks
over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14
million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
============ ========= ========= ========= =====
Pakistani on the moon:
Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =====
A man is! taking a walk in
Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"

 

SARDARJI JOKES

 

Tamilian calls up sardar and asks "Tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sardar 1: Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sardar 2: Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
A sardar on an interview for the post detective.
Interviewer: who killed Gandhi?
Sardar: Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating. .....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER'. He replaced friend with father
in the essay and it read:
I AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS, SOME OF MY FATHERS
ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Interviewer: what s
ur qualification?
Sardarji: Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewer: what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji: (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Amitabh Bachhan: In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar: liquid state.....
Audience clapped...
Amitabh Bacchan stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS.....

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

HE V/S SHE ... JUST READ AND ENJOY ...FUNNY

Boy : Hi!didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

Girl : Must've been once.I never make the same mistake twice!!!

Boy : May I have the pleasure of this dance?
Girl : No,I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

Boy : How did you get to be so beautiful?
Girl : I must've been given your share!!!

Boy : Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Girl : It's hot!!!

Boy : I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Girl : Okay,but would you stay there?

Boy : Will you come out with me this Saturday?
Girl : Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

Boy : Your face must turn a few heads!
Girl : And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

Boy : Go on ,don't be shy.Ask me out!
Girl : Okay,get out!!!

Boy : I think I could make you very happy
Girl : Why,are you leaving?

Boy : What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
Girl : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

Boy : Can I have your name?
Girl : why,don't you already have one?

Boy : Shall we go and see a film?
Girl : I've already seen it!!!

Boy : Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Girl : Nah,it was plain bad luck!!!

Boy : You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
Girl : Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!

Boy : When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
Girl : And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my food down!

Boy : You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
Girl : Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!

Boy : Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
Girl : Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm sure there's no-one as ugly as you!

Boy : Did you miss me while I was away??
Girl : Were you away??

Boy : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
Girl : What time was it??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

Boy : I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
Girl : I'm a plastic surgeon .I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

Boy : Say you love me! Say you love me!
Girl : You love me...

Boy : When we get engaged will you give me a ring??
Girl : Sure, what's your phone number??

Girl : Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so Overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
Boy : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

Boy : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
Girl : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
Girl : How soon??

Boy : Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
Girl : Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!

Boy : Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Girl : Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Boy : Is this seat empty?
Girl : Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Boy : I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Girl : It's in the phone book.

Boy : But I don't know your name.
Girl : That's in the phone book too.

Boy : Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Girl : Do not Enter

Boy : I know how to please a woman.
Girl : Then please leave me alone.

Boy : I want to give myself to you.
Girl : Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Boy : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Girl : Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Boy : Your body is like a temple
Girl : Sorry, there are no services today.

Boy : I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
Girl : No, but it looks like you landed on your face!

Boy : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Girl : NO, because you make me sick.

Boy : Phoebe says I'm pretty. Rachael says I'm ugly. What do u think, Monica?
Girl: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.



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Friday, September 7, 2007

!!¬FUNNY SMS¬!!

Beta bola "papa papa mujhe bandar dekhna hai". Papa bole, "Nahi bete, abhi nahi". "Papa kyon ?" .......... "Bete abhi bandar SMS padh raha hai"
I love "u", I love "u", I love "u", I love "u", I love "u", I love "u", I love "u". Hey! Don't get excited, I love other alphabets too...v, w, x, y, z !
I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. That's because Meneka Gandhi says "Love Animals" !
The animals of a jungle have decided to hold a meeting. The lion has come, the tiger has come, the elephant has come, the monkey has come.. But The meeting hasn't started. Guess why ? Because the Donkey is busy reading this SMS !
A - U'r Attractive B - U'r D Best C - U'r Cute D - U'r Dear 2 me E - U'r Excellent F - U'r Funny G - U'r Gud Looking H - He He He I - I'm J - Just K - Kidding
This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, an cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat,20 cat, seconds cat !... Now read it without the word cat.
Intelligent Man + Intelligent Woman = Romance. Intelligent Man + Stupid Woman = Pregnancy. Stupid Man + Intelligent Woman = Affair. Stupid Man + Stupid Woman = Marriage !
Khuda kare tera mobile kho jaye. Mile mujhe aur mera ho jaye. Karu SMS ladkion ko naam tera aae. Maar tujhe pade aur kaleja mera thanda ho jae.
Ha ha ha ha hha ha ha ha ha hha ha ho ho ho ho ho oh oh oh ooh ohh eh eh he he hhe he he hee he he hha ha ho ho ho ho he he he......... KUCH NAHIN BAS TUMHARI SHAKAL YAAD AA GAYI.... ha ha ha ha ho ho ho ho.....
Every morning u r the 1st thing that comes 2 my mind. I wish I could start my day with U in my bed. I jus luv ur feel to my lips. U jus make my day. I love U NESCAFE
Birds love you, monkeys love you, hippos love you, snakes love you, tortoise love you, giraffe loves you..... Please go back to ZOO, they all really miss U!
Ur smile can be compared with Flowers, Ur voice can b compared with a cuckoo, Ur innocence can b compared with a baby, but in foolishness... You've got no comparisons !
SORRY FRIENDS.........I M JUST KIDDING....

Thanks & Regards,
u r's RAJESH KOLLURI

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