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Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Thursday, March 5, 2009

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS - funny joke

>>>>>>>>>>>> WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS <<<<<<<<<<<<

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,

so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.


However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and
friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read

-----------------------------------------------------------

To: My Loving Wife,

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 16 March 2008,

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They give
computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Love,

Your Hubby.

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ME and MY BOSS

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough

When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy,

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers,

When I do wrong, he never forgets

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Amazing facts about software professionals

**10% of Software Professionals are predicted to be affected by major
diseases like Carpal tunnel syndrome, heart diseases etc

*20% of Software Professionals marry their co-workers

*30% of Software Professionals are interested in Live in relationship
because they tend to hate the responsibility both in office and house

*40% of Software Professionals are confused about settling down (India or
abroad)

*50% of Software Professionals has No savings in their Bank Account

*60% of Software Professionals are not satisfied with their current wages

*70% of Software Professionals work more than 8 hours across globe

*80% of Software Professionals live away from their Parents

*90% of Software Professionals are NOT HAPPY about their Life, meeting
deadlines, client satisfaction, incentives, promotions, increment, onsite
trips, wife, children, visa status, and commitments

*100% of Software professionals wish they had a choice other than computers
in their life at least once in their lifetime

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A Violinist in the Metro

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.


A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk. A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.


The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition. No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.


Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an appropriate hour:


Do we perceive beauty?
Do we stop to appreciate it?
Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?


One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing? Think on!!!!

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Ego

There was once a learned scientist. After a lot of practice and efforts, he developed a formula and learned the art of reproducing himself. He did it so perfectly that it was impossible to tell the reproduction from the original.


One day while doing his research, he realized that the Angel of Death was searching for him. In order to remain immortal he reproduced a dozen copies of himself. The reproduction was so meticulous that all of them looked exactly like him. Now when this Angel of Death came down, he was at a loss to know which of the thirteen before him was the original scientist, and confused, he left them all alone and returned back to heaven. But, not for long, for being an expert in human nature, the Angel came up with a clever idea.

He said to the scientist addressing all thirteen of them, "Sir, you must be a genius to have succeeded in making such perfect reproduction formula of yourself. However, I have discovered a flaw in your work, just one tiny little flaw." The scientist immediately jumped out and shouted, "Impossible! where is the flaw?" "Right here" said the Angel, as he picked up the scientist from among the reproductions and carried him off. The whole purpose of the scientist and his formula of reproduction failed as he could not control his pride and lost his life.


So while one's Knowledge and Skills takes one to the top of the ladder and makes one successful, however the three letter word "EGO" can pull one down immediately. Let go one's Ego.

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Short Life Story Of Sri Ramakrishna

Sri Ramakrishna was born on 18 February 1836 in the village of Kamarpukur about sixty miles northwest of Kolkata. His parents, Kshudiram Chattopadhyaya and Chandramani Devi, were poor but very pious and virtuous. As a child, Ramakrishna (his childhood name was Gadadhar) was dearly loved by the villagers. From early days, he was disinclined towards formal education and worldly affairs. He was, however, a talented boy, and could sing and paint well. He was fond of serving holy men and listening to their discourses. He was also very often found to be absorbed in spiritual moods. At the age of six, he experienced the first ecstasy while watching a flight of white cranes moving against the background of black clouds. This tendency to enter into ecstasy intensified with age. His father's death when he was seven years old served only to deepen his introspection and increase his detachment from the world.

As a Priest at Dakshineswar Temple


When Sri Ramakrishna was sixteen, his brother Ramkumar took him to Kolkata to assist him in his priestly profession. In 1855 the Kali Temple at Dakshineswar built by Rani Rasmani was consecrated and Ramkumar became the chief priest in that temple. When he died a few months later, Ramakrishna was appointed the priest. Ramakrishna developed intense devotion to Mother Kali and spent hours in loving adoration of her image, forgetting the rituals of priestly duties. His intense longing culminated in the vision of Mother Kali as boundless effulgence engulfing everything around him.

Intense Spiritual Practices


Sri Ramakrishna' s God-intoxicated state alarmed his relatives in Kamarpukur and they got him married to Saradamani, a girl from the neighbouring village of Jayrambati. Unaffected by the marriage, Sri Ramakrishna plunged into even more intense spiritual practices. Impelled by a strong inner urge to experience different aspects of God he followed, with the help of a series of Gurus, the various paths described in the Hindu scriptures, and realized God through each of them. The first teacher to appear at Dakshineswar (in 1861) was a remarkable woman known as Bhairavi Brahmani who was an advanced spiritual adept, well versed in scriptures. With her help Sri Ramakrishna practised various difficult disciplines of the Tantrik path, and attained success in all of them. Three years later came a wandering monk by name Totapuri, under whose guidance Sri Ramakrishna attained Nirvikalpa Samadhi, the highest spiritual experience mentioned in the Hindu
scriptures. He remained in that state of non-dual existence for six months without the least awareness of even his own body. In this way, Sri Ramakrishna relived the entire range of spiritual experiences of more than three thousand years of Hindu religion.

Following Other Faiths


With his unquenchable thirst for God, Sri Ramakrishna broke the frontiers of Hinduism, glided through the paths of Islam and Christianity, and attained the highest realization through each of them in a short span of time. He looked upon Jesus and Buddha as incarnations of God, and venerated the ten Sikh Gurus. He expressed the quintessence of his twelve-year- long spiritual realizations in a simple dictum: Yato mat, tato path As many faiths, so many paths. He now habitually lived in an exalted state of consciousness in which he saw God in all beings.

Worshipping His Wife


In 1872, his wife Sarada, now nineteen years old, came from the village to meet him. He received her cordially, and taught her how to attend to household duties and at the same time lead an intensely spiritual life. One night he worshipped her as the Divine Mother in his room at the Dakshineswar temple. Although Sarada continued to stay with him, they lived immaculately pure lives, and their marital relationship was purely spiritual. It should be mentioned here that Sri Ramakrishna had been ordained a Sannyasin (Hindu monk), and he observed the basic vows of a monk to perfection. But outwardly he lived like a lay man, humble, loving and with childlike simplicity. During Sri Ramakrishna' s stay at Dakshineswar, Rani Rasmani first acted as his patron. After her death, her son-in-law Mathur Nath Biswas took care of his needs.

Contact with Some Notables


Sri Ramakrishna' s name as an illumined saint began to spread. Mathur once convened an assembly of scholars, and they declared him to be not an ordinary human being but the Avatar of the Modern Age. In those days the socio-religious movement known as Brahmo Samaj, founded by Raja Ram Mohan Roy, was at the height of popularity in Bengal. Sri Ramakrishna came into contact with several leaders and members of Brahmo Samaj and exerted much influence on them. His teaching on harmony of religions attracted people belonging to different denominations, and Dakshineswar became a veritable Parliament of Religions.

Coming of the Devotees



As bees swarm around a fully blossomed flower, devotees now started coming to Sri Ramakrishna. He divided them into two categories. The first one consisted of householders. He taught them how to realize God while living in the world and discharging their family duties. The other more important category was a band of educated youths, mostly from the middle class families of Bengal, whom he trained to become monks and to be the torchbearers of his message to mankind. The foremost among them was Narendranath, who years later, as Swami Vivekananda, carried the universal message of Vedanta to different parts of the world, revitalized Hinduism, and awakened the soul of India.

The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna


Sri Ramakrishna did not write any book, nor did he deliver public lectures. Instead, he chose to speak in a simple language using parables and metaphors by way of illustration, drawn from the observation of nature and ordinary things of daily use. His conversations were charming and attracted the cultural elite of Bengal. These conversations were noted down by his disciple Mahendranath Gupta who published them in the form of a book, Sri Sri Ramakrishna Kathamrita in Bengali. Its English rendering, The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna, was released in 1942; it continues to be increasingly popular to this day on account of its universal appeal and relevance.

Last Days


The intensity of his spiritual life and untiring spiritual ministration to the endless stream of seekers told on Sri Ramakrishna' s health. He developed cancer of the throat in 1885. He was shifted to a spacious suburban villa where his young disciples nursed him day and night. He instilled in them love for one another, and thus laid the foundation for the future monastic brotherhood known as Ramakrishna Math. In the small hours of 16 August 1886 Sri Ramakrishna gave up his physical body, uttering the name of the Divine Mother, and passed into Eternity.

Beginnings of a Monastic Order


Sri Ramakrishna instilled in these young men the spirit of renunciation and brotherly love for one another. One day he distributed ochre robes among them and sent them out to beg food. In this way he himself laid the foundation for a new monastic order. He gave specific instructions to Narendra about the formation of the new monastic Order. In the small hours of 16 August 1886 Sri Ramakrishna gave up his mortal body.
After the Master’s passing, fifteen of his young disciples (one more joined them later) began to live together in a dilapidated building at Baranagar in North Kolkata. Under the leadership of Narendra, they formed a new monastic brotherhood, and in 1887 they took the formal vows of sannyasa, thereby assuming new names. Narendra now became Swami Vivekananda (although this name was actually assumed much later.)



Prayer

Namoh Raamakrishna, Raamakrishna, Krishnaraama chandraaya
(Salutations to Raamakrishna, Krishna and Raama together)

Namoh Krishnaraama chandraaya namoh Raamakrishna devaaya
(Salutations to Krishna Raama , Salutations to Lord Raamakrishna)

Namo juga abataara namoh, swarba debo debaaya.
(Salutations to the avatar of this age, to all the gods)

Namoh Sarba dharma samanayo, sarba vaabo rakshayao.
(Salutations to the unifier of all faiths, purveyor of all realizations. )

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One lakh Indians will return from U.S. in next 3-5 years

Washington: As many as 100,000 Indians and an equal number of Chinese will return to their native countries in the next three to five years, a move that will greatly boost their economies and undermine technological innovation in America, a new U.S. study warns.

The study on immigration by a team at Duke, Harvard and Berkeley universities led by Vivek Wadhwa, an Indian-American technology entrepreneur turned academic, says "America's loss is the world's gain".

There are no hard numbers available on how many have returned, but anecdotal evidence shows that this is in the tens of thousands, says Wadhwa, executive-in-residence for the Pratt School of Engineering at Duke University and fellow at the Labour and Worklife Programme at Harvard Law School.

"With the economic downturn, my guess is that we'll have over 100,000 Indians and as many Chinese return home over the next three-five years," says Wadhwa. "This flood of western educated and skilled talent will greatly boost the economies of India and China and strengthen their competitiveness.

"India is already becoming a global hub for R&D. This will allow it to branch into many new areas and will accelerate the trend," he says.

"The US has always had the luxury of being arrogant about immigration because it has been the strongest magnet for the world's best and brightest," but as the study shows "there are other strong magnets now".

"We are effectively exporting our economic stimulus. Policies like those which the US just enacted which prevents some banks from hiring foreign workers will have the opposite effect from what they intended - they will send jobs abroad and scare away top talent," Wadhwa said.

The study released Monday Ewing Marion Kauffman Foundation, based in Kansas City, Montana, indicates placing limits on foreign workers in the US is not the answer to America's rising unemployment rate and may undermine efforts to spur technological innovation.

"A substantial number of highly skilled immigrants have started returning to their home countries in recent years, draining a key source of brain power and innovation," said Robert E. Litan, vice president of Research and Policy at the Kauffman Foundation.

"We wanted to know what is encouraging this much-needed economic growth engine to leave our country, thereby sending entrepreneurship and economic stimulus to places like Bangalore and Beijing."

The report builds on an earlier Kauffman Foundation report by Wadhwa documenting a queue of one million H-1B holders and their families anxiously awaiting longer-term work visas and growing frustrated with the immigration process.

Until recently, America has been the prime destination for the world's best and brightest immigrants.

"Immigrants have made tremendous personal sacrifices," said Wadhwa. "They would leave behind relatives and friends and accept second-tier status in American society.


"Now countries like India and China are providing equal career opportunities and a better quality of life. So the most highly educated and skilled are often returning home."

The two-year study covered 1,203 Indian and C

hinese subjects who had studied or worked in the US for a year or more before returning home.

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Balance Sheet of Life

Our Birth is our Opening Balance!

Our Death is our Closing Balance!

Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities

Our Creative Ideas are our Assets

Heart is our Current Asset

Soul is our Fixed Asset

Brain is our Fixed Deposit

Thinking is our Current Account

Achievements are our Capital

Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade

Friends are our General Reserves

Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill

Patience is our Interest Earned

Love is our Dividend

Children are our Bonus Issues

Education is Brands / Patents

Knowledge is our Investment

Experience is our Premium Account

The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.

The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.

Some very Good and Very bad things ..

The most destructive habit....... ........ .....Worry

The greatest Joy......... ......... ......... ...Giving

The greatest loss.......Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work........ ......Helping others

The ugliest personality trait....... .....Selfishness

The most endangered species..... ....Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource.... ......... ...Our youth

The greatest 'shot in the arm'........ .Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome.... ........ ...Fear

The most effective sleeping pill....... Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease..... .......Excuses

The most powerful force in life........ .......... Love

The most dangerous act...... ..A gossip

The world's most incredible computer.... ....The brain

The worst thing to be without..... ......... ..... Hope

The deadliest weapon...... ........ ........The tongue

The two most power-filled words....... ........ 'I Can'

The greatest asset....... .......... ........ ....Faith

The most worthless emotion.... ......... ....Self- pity

The most beautiful attire...... ......... ........SMILE!

The most prized possession.. ........ .....Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication. ..Prayer

The most contagious spirit...... ......... ......Enthusiasm

Life ends; when
you stop Dreaming,

Hope ends; when
you stop Believing,

Love ends; when
you stop Caring,

And Friendship ends; when
you stop Sharing...!!!
friend

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What is recession?

This Story is about a man who once upon a time was selling Hotdogs by the roadside.

He was illiterate, so he never read newspapers.
He was hard of hearing, so he never listened to the radio.
His eyes were weak, so he never watched television.
But enthusiastically, he sold lots of hotdogs.
He was smart enough to offer some attractive schemes to increase his sales.
His sales and profit went up.
He ordered more a more raw material and buns and use to sale more.
He recruited few more supporting staff to serve more customers.
He started offering home deliveries. Eventually he got himself a bigger and better stove.
As his business was growing, the son, who had recently graduated from College, joined his father.
Then something strange happened.
The son asked, "Dad, aren't you aware of the great recession that is coming our way?"
The father replied, "No, but tell me about it." The son said, "The international situation is terrible.
The domestic situation is even worse. We should be prepared for the coming bad times.."
The man thought that since his son had been to college, read the papers, listened to the radio and watched TV.
He ought to know and his advice should not be taken lightly.
So the next day onwards, the father cut down the his raw material order and buns, took down the colorful signboard,
removed all the special schemes he was offering to the customers and was no longer as enthusiastic.
He reduced his staff strength by giving layoffs.
Very soon, fewer and fewer people bothered to stop at his hotdog stand.
And his sales started coming down rapidly, same is the profit.
The father said to his son, "Son, you were right".
"We are in the middle of a recession and crisis. I am glad you warned me ahead of time."

Moral of The Story: It's all in your MIND! And we actually FUEL this recession much more than we think we do!

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Friday, December 12, 2008

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:-

Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-

Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..



2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-

No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.



3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-

Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-

Why? Would it rather have been you?



4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-

Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-

No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.



5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:-

Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-

Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.



6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:-

Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:-

No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.



7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-

No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.



8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:-

Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-

No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..





9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:-

Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-

No it wont. It will just bleed.



10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

Stupid Question:-

Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-

Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

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